i finally grew tired of worrying about things..

and finally am beginning to feel free.
sometimes it's alright to get sleepy. take a rest.

it's about control. and about relinquishing control.
it's about passing the ball along so everyone gets a hold.
with nothing to hold onto so tight, i get to float a bit. i needed that.
i'll figure it all out tomorrow.

The bike path less traveled

somerville, MA

Total Eclipse of a Full Moon

This New Years Eve there will be a Total Eclipse of a Full Moon. I was raised on astrology so this is important- to me.

"There will be always be finality to a lunar eclipse, so it's a bit like walking over a bridge to a new land, but after you get to the other side, as you turn to look back, you see the bridge collapse. There's no way back, and if you think about it, you will admit you wouldn't want to go back. "

I'm ready for this.

yesterday is such a pretty word.

yesterday, in the midst of a very happy and serene moment, after waking up from a 20 minute nap and feeling the warmth beside my body and the squeeze of my hand, i rolled over and began to cry. the tears streamed down noiselessly and i starred at the white wall and debated saying something. what i wanted to say was horrible and easily interpreted in too many ways that werent right. but i said it aloud anyways. i let a fat tear roll down my cheek into the corner of my mouth and said, into the wall, "i really don't want to live anymore. i really find it purposeless."

i had no reasoning to explain why the thought had come to me at that moment. i was warm in bed, enveloped in the arms of kindness and yet, I still felt and still feel very angry at life.

i went on to say "all i see is pain and everyone seems so unhappy. i think it's just awful."

fifteen years after my whiney adolescent phase and i still feel the same way just below my superficial gaiety. i dont really know what to do beyond being honest about it.

someday johnny will be very famous..

and take care of us all.

from the horses mouth:

"Hey all!

The pre-release press blitz for the new Apse album (har har har) continues, as we're featured on this week's All Songs Considered on NPR!!!

Go here - you can download the podcast, too.
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=113272970

Apse is featured at the end, so you'll have to wait for the whole thing to load. They play an entire song at the end... and odd choice, i think, since it's definitely a later album track, not a potential single or anything... but oh well. Apparently Bob Boilen really likes the album, so that's awesome."

i never get tired of this view..


or this one

in-sanity

i just want to write. but i need an editor to approve my articles. right now i dont really have one. blah.

aside from that, here's how things are looking for the next 6 days:
today- work work work, manage pre-season kickball party, see friend's band play.

tomorrow- morning meeting with lead strategists, catch a train to CT, see loved ones and eat new haven style pizza.

thursday- take off at 10am to drive to canadian's wedding at Niagara Falls- pit stop in Syracuse to visit lifelong friend and his new asian bride.

friday- rehearsal, dinner, partay.

saturday- wedding, partay.

sunday- drive back to CT and have dinner with moms hopefully (before she disowns me for never hanging out)

monday- back to NY.


i am so pumped and so overwhelmed.
not to mention Advertising Week starts next week and i'm trying to beg for funds to go to some of the seminars. i could give two craps about the cocktail parties.


scatterbrained post over.
:P

today i done bought the prettiest flowers i ever seen

:]

help me decide!

i really want these boots:
http://www.thefryecompany.com/Product-Women-Boots-Tall%20Shaft-77800BLK.aspx
next paycheck i'm going to get them.

but i cant decide- Black? or Grey?
I like both equally much.
I feel like I'll get more wear out of the black since I wear so much black.. but i dont KNOW!!!!! this is driving me nuts.


feedback. please.

i want so badly to be away for a while- on a wood deck- get a splinter- trees and breese and some water nearby. beers and charcoal and someone brought their dog. someone definitely brought their guitar. hot sun all day and cool enough for blankets at night and lots, tons of stars and quiet sounds. surrounded.

1001 distractions and counting..

http://rulesformyunbornson.tumblr.com/page/2

and June 24 IS required listening.

HACK

i simply cannot live without this blog.
it's a world i don't know, it takes me completely out of mine.
the writing is fantastic. the artwork is.. too.
http://samarov.blogspot.com/

give to me.

am excited for fall.

sometimes i blog elsewhere..

BOOM!
http://www.shortandsweetnyc.com/2009/08/eat-drink-beaner-bar.html

:)

I was discussing with Kav how much we used to love Stabbing Westward but how we realized upon more adult reflection how fucking trite their lyrics are... i figured I'd post this beaut of an example:


"You are all I am
you are all I ever want to be
I think of you
A solitary cry
echoes through my throat and through my mind
I think of you

I think I woke up screaming
I had a dream that you still loved me
I think I woke up screaming
I think I woke up screaming again

For hours I'll just stare
at my ceiling at nothing at all
and think of you
candlelight through bells
make shadows just like roses in my mind
and I think of you

I think I woke up screaming
I had a dream that you still loved me
I think I woke up screaming
I think I woke up screaming again

Could this last forever?
Or will I die?
Could this last forever?
Or will I die?
Just can I die?

Maybe I could try
to take a bath and drink a little wine
and think of you
But probably I'll lie
naked on the floor by candlelight
and I'll think of you

I think I woke up screaming
I had a dream that you still loved me
I think I woke up screaming
I think I woke up screaming again

I think I woke up screaming
I had a dream that you still loved me
I think I woke up screaming
I think I woke up screaming again

I think I woke up
I think I woke up
I think I woke up
I think I woke up

I think I woke up
I think I woke up
I think I woke up
screaming again"


Conversely, last night I had a dream that I was hanging out with my ex. I woke up abruptly from that dream to find a huge mosquito sucking at my inner elbow.

This morning I duct-taped my air conditioner.

busy bee.

hi how are you?

tonight is an exciting night. i'm being taken to brighton beach to go to a restaurant called Tatiana's that is notoriously rife with russian mafia. My mother even phoned me after some thought and said she wanted me to be extremely careful. now i'm excited And scared. but we will be there early and supposedly there's fireworks!! (altho i'm not supposed to know this ahead of time - it is impossible to surprise me i guess :)

so i think this will be a good, adventurous day.

we've also got a full squad ready to tear it up for kickball and everyone seems excited and motivated- if we could only stave off the rain.

top this off with out-of-town guests and i'm not sure i'll get the rest I sorely need after this crazy work week- new website launch is just over the horizon (say mid august)

;) leaving early for a nap today.

i haven't written words in this blog for sometime, so there you go.
all caught up.

jane has some interesting things to say today..

http://debauchette.com/

more long portraits and other good things here:
http://vimeo.com/siege/videos

i think i really want to go to a service..

i thought this was cute..

and then she pulled him aside and smacked him for holding his umbrella incorrectly.

look to the left of the party

what it was

there's a long goodbye. and it happens everyday.
when some passerby invites your eye to come her way
even as she smiles a quick hello you let her go you let the moment fly
too late you turn your head...

tonight i had this dream that i was driving a bus full of the sweetest special needs kids and we were driving down a beautiful road with high cliffs to either side when suddenly the cliffs fell apart and water came rushing in and flooded the road and filled the bus almost completely, leaving only a few inches for the kids to breathe. i had to somehow navigate the bus through the water and crash landed into the side of a hospital where everyone was safe. but i stumbled away devastated that i had let it all happen.

i should have felt good that i saved the kids right?
i can't sleep.

the city

sometimes the buildings and humidity around here..

have me feeling i'm in miami.


but it's definitely not miami. and i'm glad for that. whew, imagination.

aw i want this..

as soon as i'm outta debt (next year maybe :)

To Wish Impossible Things: When Reality Becomes Real

Jen is a really smart girl.

To Wish Impossible Things: When Reality Becomes Real

it occurred to me today that the feelings i feel and the way that i behave is completely right to me. i cannot be afraid to be passionate, quiet, thoughtful and lonely most of the time. i cant not act out because of it.

my mother is a very wild woman who is tormented by her past. she thinks and says whatever she wants to and it always caused me some embarrassment growing up. She can be serious and frightening with her looks, opinions and words. She's struck me and yelled at me and I've been the passenger in the car as we drive down the wrong side of the road. I'm not afraid to be like her. I am proud of her. She has been beaten down by life, and continues to suffer. She is beautiful in her strength to live and in her love for me. She is only as selfish as we all are, in wanting a better life for herself, filled with love and purpose.

As i long for purpose i look at her in my mind and realize that chase for purpose can be unbearably painful when you think about it as much as two women such as us.

we are afflicted.

If you hadn't already heard about united..

United Guitar Debacle <---clickme

Same old lessons. Be proactive not reactive. Address a problem as soon as you know it's a problem.

plus the video is great.

love this

http://colormekatie.blogspot.com/
optimism is something i put away on the highest shelf sometime last year, which is stupid because i'm short!

wow

this stuff is SUPERcool:
http://dustbowl.wordpress.com/

things i would not want to live without

everything bagels toasted with cream cheese
soup
physical therapists
my eyes
dogs
hammocks
pillows and blankets
books on tape and npr
poetry
really good hair stylists
the people on the CT email chain
the girls on the weekend update emails
my brooklyn kickball crew
my psychotic family
80+degree weather
short summer dresses
mussels in garlic pepper cream sauce
coca cola in a can with a straw
pink and red toenail polish
shrimp
pulled pork sandwiches
red bell peppers
hot sauce
grass and the smell of grass
fireflies
thunder
really good coffee
homemade tacos
movies and couches
hope
adventure

whaddya think VJ?
I seriously seriously do not give a fuck anymore about requests for long hair. It doesnt suit me. I don't like it. This is my favoritest hair cut. this is me.

relearning what it's like to be on my own again.
getting kinda irritable when people around me ask me for stuff.
feeling a little selfish right now.

phases.

letter to Mary, et al.

my new address is 488 graham ave., 3rd floor, brooklyn, ny 11222. you should write me a letter! i really really love regular mail.
i'm tired of the interweb.

i'm going through a lot of changes- a Lot of growing pains- and I'm just trying to cling to my sanity. Everytime i move upwards into adulthood i feel it emotionally and in my body. I dont like giving up my kiddish ways. I try not to altogether. but my job is forcing me to be quite a bit more serious - i can't lose it right now- but my heart wants me to fly away to a new state. I've never stayed in one place for this long since i was 18 and i'm not fond of it- i get restless. but i have to do what's good for my work experience and do right by my familiy who've been bailing me out for years.

see. that sounds so responsible. blech.
today i'm going to the Glamour Garage, which is run by majorly beautiful rockabilly bettys and getting a more punkish yet somehow professional (?) haircut. we'll see how that goes :)

xo

does anyone else behave/think drastically differently in the nighttime from the daytime? i feel so much more lucid and stream of conscious at night. all the barriers come down and words- good or bad- flow from me and away. and when, in the morning, i look at what i've written in the sky, it's wind-blown and hard to distinguish my thinking's drift.

I've always felt that the night is magic.

"For me this book is like the letter you write to someone that you regret sending seconds after it falls into the post box because it is so honest and revealing that you are mortified by the thought of having it read. Even though you meant every word of it, sometimes you can mean it too much."
-HR

sisters.. doin it for..?

I know all these women around me- the ones that I talk to the most and see most often- that seem to have the same issue as of late and I'm wondering Why it's such a trend. I even heard it on the train the other day, word for word- (i wrote it down) haha.

"He loves being with me, he said so. He said especially when times are good. It's like a vacation for him. But he won't give me the two days a week I need to feel like we're really together. Plus weekends. He sees me when He's got time and it's really really great. But when there's a problem, or I need him, he's not there. I guess we're in a working phase. We're working it out."

Seriously? It only caught my attention because I was having this same conversation in my head til recently. I hear the same thing from my gals at kickball and from my gals across country. Every girl clamoring for a guy who's emotionally available- like all the time.

I thought about this and called my mother.
She said, word for word (i wrote it down- might even tattoo it):
"Men are not like women. They don't care about emotions. They care about pussy. Remember this. Be smart and just keep away from assholes. Have fun."

Take from that what you want.

you are a coward.

this is what i'm not doing when i'm home alone:

sigh.

you would think that as a latch-key kid, as someone who spent the entire time from when she was 7 until 18 home alone, or in a room, alone, that i wouldn't be afraid to be home alone.






but seriously, it's true.

i see things that you would like, in streets, in windows, inside, and know that I no longer have the privilege of giving them to you.

"If i keep writing
Traveling all over
Pushing myself until I squeeze the truth
From out of my pores
She will find me
It's worth it"

-HR

more music

from mr. Vinyard:


"Hey Ya'll,

No time for my usual breakdown. But wanted to get this out to you. If you like a track check out the band and buy something. I just purchased a 12" from Yacht and a 7" from Memory Cassettes

https://rcpt.yousendit.com/706223746/46edee083f2bec27df9c862afae8f63f

If you have trouble downloading please let me know.

Feel more than free to forward

Chris"

it's a safe link. it's great music. :)

this one goes out to johnnyboy, who's being sued for no reason.

this year has been the suck.
but we are going to pick ourselves up by our bootstraps and cram our fists down the rest of 2009.

no more sucking. all fisting.

here's some summer music for you kids:
http://thefader.com/articles/2009/6/23/freeload-the-fader-issue-62-podcast

really good.

brain splatter

For the first 3 years of my life in NYC I had a fucking blast. Sure, it was hard being poor but I liked my sweet gig as an assistant, i liked walking around barefoot at work, i liked searching for new music all day long and making mix cds to play in the agency and I really liked my crazy ass boss. On top of all of that, I was still holding on to who I was before I moved to this fucking city- and who I was for the first 25 years of my life was a bitch. I was a sarcastic asshole who fucked with people at work and school and played jokes on everyone and rocked out in Boston and was a whole hell of a lot happier than I am now, while I try to grow up and make money and please everyone around me- except me. I also used to spend a lot of time exploring- alone- the city and my mind and my interests. I'm not going to say that I like being alone. I am a social creature who needs to retreat now and again for sanity- but There was a period of time when I moved here that I was utterly alone except for the brief interactions with my roommates and co-workers. It was a time when i really grew into myself. I wasn't happy, I wasn't always nice- but who says you should be.

i'm not trying to write an eloquent piece here. I am venting a concern about a serious break in character that seems to have cropped up in the past year since I got laid off. I'm not sure if it's something to do with it being a very dramatic life change- one minute your day is full and your mission is somewhat clear and the next- nothing.
yes. it probably has to do with that.

What happened to me, psychologically as a result of the economy is fucking weird. I dislike it, I dislike being a pussy and being so sensitive all the time. I think the tremendous amount of security and independence I built up over the years was truly shattered once everything came to a screetching halt.

I'm really unsatisfied with how discontent I've been feeling lately and I need to start sticking up for myself again, talking back, voicing my opinion and having fun again.

I got way to introverted during my time in the unemployment hovel.
It's disgusting.

so completely amazing.

my boys joe, john and josh are playing a show.. but not just any show!!!!!!



Here's some press from the Boston Phoenix "On the Download" blog:

If all this talk of Jamaica Plain is giving you a pre-emptive case of the 39 shivers, head over to Machine on Sunday night (Sox are off in Philly! Fuckwitted steakhead count slashed!) for the debut of the burgeoning queer-friendly rock collective LOUD AND QUEER. This collision of shirtless bartenders, queer rock and the option of a darn good shoeshine has been a long time coming in Boston, and it feels so right. Oh the bill: Brighton’s venerable UGLY FUCKLINGS, whose gnarly rock tirades often…well, look at the picture up there. Elsewise, SHARK —a trio featuring members of Apse, Chaplinesqueand Instructions rock a kind Bauhaus meets Verve meets Veuve kind of vibe. They’ll be playing tracks off their debut full-length, which they’ll be releasing at the show. Between set jams will be provided by DJs JOSEPH COLBOURNE (mind-melting long lost dancefloor gems) and DJ SUN ONE (house, Afro-beats and Latin), and it’s all hosted byMC SANT 1 (of Zullo). Hit this party hard and heads up for flying jockstraps during the guitar solos.

Loud and Queer @ Machine | 1254 Boylston St., Boston | Sunday, June 14 @ 9 pm

things and stuff

thisisindexed.com


i'm about to sign a new lease on a brand new place this friday :) i'm so friggin happy, i've been kinda couch surfing and very stressfully seeking out a good place to live for the past 2 months.

i'm moving in with my friend gidalya- who you will love- to a two bedroom in williamsburg. it's 2 blocks from the park where i play kickball (score) and centrally located to all the places i like to drink and vomit on people.

there will be a living room with an eventual couch and you and tim will sleep in my bed. please come visit soon. I'll be moved in by June 20th.

shout out to Etsy

I JUST BOUGHT THIS! :)

i just love Etsy. people make such beautiful things.



etsy.com

i had to put this somewhere..

"My cat wrote a song?
I knew she was into a lot of stuff (small arms combat, fly fishing, scientology), but it's totally news to me that Boom Boom has written a dance hit called Pow.
no wonder there's always creepy photographer guys hanging around my apartment."

-Gidalya

morniiiiiing.

as i'm furiously typing away, returning emails this morning about work, about apartments, about an american apparel finally opening up in my hometown in CT, i keep seeing something out of the corner of my eye and what the corner of my eye says to me is- that is a stick of butter on your desk, Ro. a stick of butter. wrapped in stick-of-butter wrapping and just chilling on the very perimeter of my sight. i start to find this really amusing and dont want to look directly at the stick of butter because it's much funnier to believe that someone put a stick of butter on your desk and that it's not my laptop charger.

I have one, secret, special desire.

That the factory which produces Victoria's Secret "Love Spell" scent would spontaneously implode.

Whatever,

Matt.

aw

aw the White Rabbits are playing tomorrow. I've always meant to see them.
http://www.myspace.com/whiterabbits
Kid on my shoulders was always the best.

---
Free from it all
I'm not gonna change till I want to
And I'm free from the world
where I built too many walls

By the way she looked I should've calmed down
I went too far
Oh thats all I got to say

oh and VJ-

i'm growing my hair out. it's amusing.
Wendy's gunna put caramel high lights in it when it gets chin length.

edible ones.

i got your interactivity right HERRRRR

http://www.gtiproject.com/

yes.

just ate some bangin tacos..

alone. wah. being the new kid at the agency is always weird. Arnold made it easier methinx. People there badgered me all day in order to see my boss, so I HAD TO interact. It's that PULL strategy- My boss drew people in through me. The issue here being that there are two divisions to the company- Strategy and Design. There's no marketing dept. i AM the marketing dept. and I sit away from everabody else and i get hungry around noon so i go out and eat tacos at noon, alone.

I'm also technically assistant to the CEO, but that's about 5% of the time and I never have to schedule meetings for him.. or do.. anything. but it's only day 2.

what's fun tho is i finally get to pretty much do nothing but research all day long. which is good cuz i'm nerdy. that may change as the findings pour in and we start writing content. My days are speckled with meetings to discuss the findings and build the beginnings of a strategy (i've got one in mind already, but i'm seeing if this research leads to any revelations)

the main thing i'm finding out about business websites these days is that they are surprisingly: static, simply a place to park information, dont give you any indication of personality, and don't offer much opportunity for interaction as a visitor. THAT interaction thingy is the Big finding. So how would you get someone to visit anyways? And once they got there, how do you engage and differentiate from the competition. This is the task to which i'm bound. I really like the work. It's kind of what i was hoping to do for ArnoldNYC's website, but that was a whole expensive redesign- whereas this is a focus on content and connectivity. i like it.

it's just like me and my situation. Why should anyone come visit me at my desk? I clearly have to work on my interactivity. I dont think I've got enough PUSH in my personal life strategy. or maybe it's PULL. or maybe I'm in a taco coma and can't remember my strategies. i shouldnt even be sharing my strategies!!

but i've said to much and now i have to kill you.

i wonder how long it will take before i can remember everyone's name and someone actually wants to talk to me for more than 45seconds.


one thing's for sure, no matter how satisfying the work, and it is so far, i dont think it could ever be the more important and defining facet of my life. I think the things I do when I leave here are vastly more interesting and make me a whole.

more insights to come.

got this on my phone from G.

i am dickchicken.

I woke up to birds singing.

just now i looked out our tiny bathroom window..

and saw a statue of a black stag raping a black angel in the neighbor's yard. The stag has breasts. The angel is face down, legs in the air. The statue looks home-made. Here I am thinking I've temporarily moved to a mob-run, safe italian neighborhood, with old men on stoops who call out to me "Half day? or day and a half?" when I pass by them at 2pm. Here I am enjoying mom and pop shops devoted to Just pork, Just pasta and Just bangin' pastries, but it's all a clever distraction from the Satan worshipers next door.


Kind of awesome.

i don't know what it is about this house..

But I've been having such vivid and wild dreams here. They are never scary and I sleep soundly through the night, but upon waking and for the rest of the day I can remember them.

I'm staying in this old railroad, it's been repainted and fixed up slightly by my friend Aric. But for the most part, it's bare, except my area, which looks like a microcosm of my old room. Scarves and mirrors hanging. My little lamp. No space for the bright one. And it's in the center of the apartment, and there are no doors yet and i can feel this constant energy flowing from the back of the house to the front.

It's a very interesting house that reminds me of my childhood, but not any specific house or memory.
...
Maybe it's because I'm sleeping in the opposite direction.

just when my internet went high speed.. : )

my tongue remembers your sweetness. my mind how hard the beat was. my heart reserves a seat yes. but my strength remains defeat-less.

you should remember that i can take a beating. i should remember too.
and remind myself next time you come swinging.

i Never want to be so busy that i forget to care about people.

zoe and the people from the past

i keep meeting these girls, who remind me of you, and i wish i was seventeen pulling on your toes to wake you up, skipping school to skip rocks on the sea. salty and sticky. stuck together on the wharf like barnacles.

and i miss my dusty old civic. with sand ground into the pedals, scraping the pads of my feet and it feels incredible. driving the length of the sound, turning left and into the woods, past the fresh cut golf course, then another, then another.

spilling out onto the driveway, hot pavement on our bathingsuit bottoms, eating taco bell. and you only ate chalupas. and we would have never moved if your mothers car hadn't rolled in and called you away to sweep the floors.

advice from the Dali-Vaughnda

In a way your life is like a glass of water with some sediment in it. The water is your life. The sediment is your karmic dept/ life condition/ your weaker self. For instance, part of my weaker self is sloppy who'll turn in an estimate with bad math because I don't want to recheck it and I'm in a hurry. This has seriously caused me problems my whole fucking life and it's a constant battle.

Anyways, you know the people who get under your skin and irritate you on a consistent basis? Do know why some days you can handle them and some days you can't? Instead of viewing that person as annoying pain in the ass. You should view that person as stirring up your own karma. The people who push your buttons are a test. A chance to control your weakness.

It's a nice reminder that when those people are getting to you it's because you are letting your weaker self win. Sometime I forget, but when I remember this, it helps me battle my weaker self and consequentially help stave off the annoying people. There will always be annoying people. You're the only person you can control. Getting back to a clear glass of water who can handle her own damn sediment.

Wear your bell bottoms, Wendy. It's Tuesday.

hairless and shining and sun-kissed and brilliant. A pillar, a healer, someone who kneels before God. Wielding a spoon and silver in our pockets, stronger and burning brightly for longer. Brandishing valor, the girl in the tower, clearing the way, a defendant and innocent. Or insolent. Hurt and dying to be understood. Good. we all have these ideas of what we have to be.

swoon

stolen from style.com without looking back.

rarrrrrrrrrr

clicky



eff department stores- aplusr is the best wedding registry

WANT

give


give


give

ooo purty america

if i was this girl, i'd wear this too.
JOY

depression runs rampant

despite my best efforts at being a sane and regular human being like my cohorts, my crazy mood swings are back in full effect lately.

not sure why this is happening all of a sudden, but it's sure to destroy some part of my life, as per usual.

sometimes i wish i could just disappear.

am adding a new links section

For cool, arts-related and fashion events around nyc.
I suggest you go to these sites and subscribe to their email blasts.

also- if you dont currently subscribe to Tasting Table newsletter, you are missing out on important things like the best spots to get wings around NYC and updates on restaurants' expansions or closings. I looooooooooooveit.


ARTS:
in a related story, I have to gather up information for the Councilman's office on the local arts scene (Bburg and Greenpoint)-- I need to develop a list in a few days of all the government-subsidized arts programs for the nyc area and then another list of all the possible artists organizations, galleries, etc in my part of brooklyn that can take advantage of the govt's programs.

So if you are an artist in a collective, or know some good ones- hit me up asap to be included in this project.

XORO

forgetting it's Christmas

you can read the article here or follow the link-
http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/2009/01/07/world/AP-ML-Gaza-A-Reporters-Story.html?_r=1

Sorry to be a bummer, but there are some really fucked up things going on right now all over the world.

--
GAZA CITY, Gaza Strip (AP) -- I live alone in my office. My wife and two young children moved in with her father after our apartment was shattered. The neighborhood mosque, where I have prayed since I was a child, had its roof blown off. All the government buildings on my beat have been obliterated.

After days of Israeli shelling, the city and life I have known no longer exist.

Gaza City, with some 400,000 people, stopped supplying water when the fuel ran out for the power station driving the pumps. We listen to battery-run radios for news, even though the outside world watches what's happening to us on television. Grocery stores are closed and food is scarce.

Hospital officials say more than 600 Palestinians have been killed in Israel's military operation to crush Hamas, the radical Islamic movement that rules Gaza. Many are civilians.

Three days after Israel began its airstrikes on Gaza on Dec. 27, my apartment building was shaken by bombs aimed at a nearby Hamas-run government compound.

My brother took a picture of the room where my boys, 2-year-old Hikmet and 6-month-old Ahmed, once slept. Their toys were broken, shrapnel had punched through the closet and the bedroom wall had collapsed. I don't know if we will ever go back.

The Israeli army issued a video of the bombing of the Hamas compound, which it posted on YouTube. I can see my home being destroyed, and I watch it obsessively.

On Tuesday, I stood outside my apartment building but didn't dare to enter. I was worried the remains of the nearby Hamas compound might again be shelled without warning.

Driving back to central Gaza City, I took the road where Gaza's two main universities are. It was covered with shards of glass, telephone cables, electricity wires and flattened cars. This road was once crowded with students, taxis and street vendors. It was always noisy and jammed.

The only shop I found open was a pharmacy run by my friend Eyad Sayegh. He's an Orthodox Christian, and I stopped to wish him a Merry Christmas -- Eastern churches celebrate Christmas on Jan. 7.

Eyad told me he forgot it was Christmas.

All the landmark buildings I covered as a reporter have vanished.

The colonial-era Seraya was the main security compound for the succession of Gaza's rulers -- the British, Egyptians, Israelis, the Palestinian Authority and then the rival Palestinians of Hamas.

We used to fear the Seraya, where the central jail was. Now it's rubble.

Of the presidential office overlooking the sea only a few walls remain. For many Gazans it was a symbol of our statehood, even though President Mahmoud Abbas, who also heads the Fatah movement, hasn't been there since Hamas seized control of the territory in June 2007.

Someone planted a Palestinian flag on the building's remains. The huge gate at the western entrance still stands, giving an illusion of something big behind it.

And across the city, the Parliament house is half destroyed.

On Jala Street, one of Gaza's main roads, I saw about 30 boys around a leaky irrigation tap on a traffic island. They were clutching empty soft drink bottles and jerry cans, trying to fill them with water.

Samir, who is 9, told me his family has no water at home and he wanted to bring enough for a bath because he and his brother smell.

So do most people in Gaza right now.

In my father-in-law's building, residents throw out bags of spoiled food. With no power, refrigerators don't run and fresh food quickly rots.

Shortages are getting worse, leading to unusual gender equality in the bread lines. I saw about 150 men and women gathered to buy bread -- but standing in separate lines. The men complained the women, normally so deferential to men, kept pushing, so now they have two lines.

There are few cars on the roads, and most of those are media cars, ambulances and vehicles packed with civilians. Some look like they are fleeing, with mattresses tied to the roofs, but who knows where they can go.

Israeli helicopters fly overhead. I hear blasts in the distance. The roads have been ripped apart by explosives.

I drive into downtown Gaza, trying to prove to myself I can still do something I have done so often before -- drive through my city.

I reach the Catholic school I attended, where my late father used to bring me every day. The building is undamaged. I stand in front of it, wondering if I will ever walk my children to this school.