Thursday, January 6, 2011

9 months doesn't make much difference..

Aside from the fact that I've grown to become a confident and much more adult person (for me - i'm an aries and will always be on the immature side)-- this year never really righted itself in my favor. Now I have to hope that 2011 brings closure to a few things and more joy. Here's where I'm at...

Basically my dad's about to pass away. Keeps going in and out of the hospital and it's brought up a lot of issues for me that I didn't even know were still in me.

He was pretty abusive when I was younger, and although, yes, i've worked through it and we've made 'some' amends, mostly I just let everything go because he's been sick for the past decade and I figure that he's getting what he deserved for the pain he's caused. Mainly I just shut everything out because it was easier. I moved away from CT and just put it out of my mind and it worked out alright. I would pop in and visit once in a blue moon and it was just understood that that was how it was going to be. lately though, as he's taken a turn for the worse, there's been a lot more phone calls, he's wanted to see me, etc. I understand all this but it's taken it's toll. Seeing him more often has brought back a lot of my feelings of resentment, which also spur some negative feelings I have toward men as a result. It's complicated, deep-seated psychological stuff.

On the other hand, I started dated someone I thought was terrific this summer. Kind of an oddball but in a good way, cute, supportive and very loving. But, come the Fall, he started devolving into an insecure person I just didnt recognize. Became very needy to the point where we actually broke up in December (well I broke up with him) because I couldnt handle the pressure of both things happening at once. We got back together, but it's just not working, so now I tried to ask for some space to clear my head, plus I'm really not that clingy of a girl and like my space in general. The boy is not having it. Basically he's an extremist and wants all or nothing. I also feel he hasn't been empathetic enough about my family issues.

So after voicing my needs to him he basically flipped out and said he still wanted more of me and I said no. we were at a standstill and I tried to smooth things over and see if we could continue with compromise, but he just stopped speaking to me.

There's more to it of course. My trying to please him for so long has obviously given him the impression that I believed in his method towards a relationship. So I shouldn't have done that. Should have been myself from the beginning. But that is my lesson. Also, from his end, he became way too demanding of my time and attention- I feel.

I'm just emotionally exhausted now. And despite how much I care for him, I kind of wish he Would just stay away for a while and find out who he is on his own. It's been pretty awful.

So that's me. It may not sound huge, but I also don't want to get into the million details that when, compounded, have made it basically unbearable for me. And now I'm hurting because I've lost my love and am about to lose my dad and am not sure how to feel about it at all.

I'm taking as much solace I can in my friends for now. Just talking it out. Making sure I'm not crazy in my decision to stick up for my needs, and trying to take my mind off of things. Been working well so far. But I feel there is more bad to come. I really hope not tho.