Friday, March 16, 2012

what a difference a year makes

basically, the roles have reversed in my relationship once I eventually gave in and began to trust my mate. It takes me an incredibly long time to trust people since I was a kid and we toughed through my aloofness only for me to end up getting crapped on. Positive reinforcement would have been key at this juncture.

back to square one. I don't really think I can put my heart in anyone's hands again. they always squeeze too tight or let it slip away.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

9 months doesn't make much difference..

Aside from the fact that I've grown to become a confident and much more adult person (for me - i'm an aries and will always be on the immature side)-- this year never really righted itself in my favor. Now I have to hope that 2011 brings closure to a few things and more joy. Here's where I'm at...

Basically my dad's about to pass away. Keeps going in and out of the hospital and it's brought up a lot of issues for me that I didn't even know were still in me.

He was pretty abusive when I was younger, and although, yes, i've worked through it and we've made 'some' amends, mostly I just let everything go because he's been sick for the past decade and I figure that he's getting what he deserved for the pain he's caused. Mainly I just shut everything out because it was easier. I moved away from CT and just put it out of my mind and it worked out alright. I would pop in and visit once in a blue moon and it was just understood that that was how it was going to be. lately though, as he's taken a turn for the worse, there's been a lot more phone calls, he's wanted to see me, etc. I understand all this but it's taken it's toll. Seeing him more often has brought back a lot of my feelings of resentment, which also spur some negative feelings I have toward men as a result. It's complicated, deep-seated psychological stuff.

On the other hand, I started dated someone I thought was terrific this summer. Kind of an oddball but in a good way, cute, supportive and very loving. But, come the Fall, he started devolving into an insecure person I just didnt recognize. Became very needy to the point where we actually broke up in December (well I broke up with him) because I couldnt handle the pressure of both things happening at once. We got back together, but it's just not working, so now I tried to ask for some space to clear my head, plus I'm really not that clingy of a girl and like my space in general. The boy is not having it. Basically he's an extremist and wants all or nothing. I also feel he hasn't been empathetic enough about my family issues.

So after voicing my needs to him he basically flipped out and said he still wanted more of me and I said no. we were at a standstill and I tried to smooth things over and see if we could continue with compromise, but he just stopped speaking to me.

There's more to it of course. My trying to please him for so long has obviously given him the impression that I believed in his method towards a relationship. So I shouldn't have done that. Should have been myself from the beginning. But that is my lesson. Also, from his end, he became way too demanding of my time and attention- I feel.

I'm just emotionally exhausted now. And despite how much I care for him, I kind of wish he Would just stay away for a while and find out who he is on his own. It's been pretty awful.

So that's me. It may not sound huge, but I also don't want to get into the million details that when, compounded, have made it basically unbearable for me. And now I'm hurting because I've lost my love and am about to lose my dad and am not sure how to feel about it at all.

I'm taking as much solace I can in my friends for now. Just talking it out. Making sure I'm not crazy in my decision to stick up for my needs, and trying to take my mind off of things. Been working well so far. But I feel there is more bad to come. I really hope not tho.

Monday, March 22, 2010

weekend update email to VJ and Donna

i got tan this weekend.
V- i'm sorry to hear about the snow. that might have enraged me.
I missed Kav a lot this weekend. I don't know why. I always remember the good stuff, I guess. Am feeling lonely as well.

have second interview tomorrow for PR manager for this company-

meeting with the head of marketing tomorrow AM and just sent over some writing samples. I have to say, the one thing that my current job gave me was ample time to craft and write some really good articles that i'm proud of. When I read them, they restore my confidence that I can take on this new job.

I haven't been feeling very confident lately. as much as i try to keep my chin up, I'm just sad again. I fell off the wagon and drank a lot this weekend and feel pretty down. I think there really must be a correlation between the drinking and my brain chemicals.

I also am just craving, needing a big life change because I'm starting to feel really despondent about everything. and that's no fun.

sorry for the life affirming email guys. heh.
I did have a nice weekend- I spent a whole day tanning in the park and I played went running, did yoga and played kickball yesterday which is all a part of my plan to get in shape fast. That Always makes me feel good about myself. And that's something I Can control.

I think I'm just confused about what my next steps should be- because this job seems to be coming to an end, My lease is about to end and I have to figure out where to move, and my relationship just came to an end and that made me really sad, despite how strong I've been about it. Add that to my part-time worries about my mom and our finances. It's all a lot to think about.

sorry for all the wind!
love you both

Sunday, March 7, 2010

i think

i overreacted. it still felt good to get that emotional garbage out of me and into space. and it's still really good that my relationship ended because it was just sucking too much anyways. we both knew it. i dont know why i freak out so much whenever big things conclude. i want to try to temper that more in the future. i think it'd be better for me.

try try again.

Monday, December 7, 2009

i finally grew tired of worrying about things..

and finally am beginning to feel free.
sometimes it's alright to get sleepy. take a rest.

it's about control. and about relinquishing control.
it's about passing the ball along so everyone gets a hold.
with nothing to hold onto so tight, i get to float a bit. i needed that.
i'll figure it all out tomorrow.

Friday, December 4, 2009

The bike path less traveled

somerville, MA

Total Eclipse of a Full Moon

This New Years Eve there will be a Total Eclipse of a Full Moon. I was raised on astrology so this is important- to me.

"There will be always be finality to a lunar eclipse, so it's a bit like walking over a bridge to a new land, but after you get to the other side, as you turn to look back, you see the bridge collapse. There's no way back, and if you think about it, you will admit you wouldn't want to go back. "

I'm ready for this.