stuff is great.
my heart is melting into a pile of mush.

alcohol is a depressant

yeah.

i have a natural tendency to get very sad so i'm not sure why i encourage it with drinking. drinking is fun for the couple hours i am drunk and then afterward i am basically morose for a day and a half. i am also attention seeking, overly affectionate and terrified of commitment lately. i can't blame the booze for those. not entirely sure what's wrong with me. i should be happy. i want to be happy. but i am so paranoid after getting burned so many times in the past. someone i trust told me i dont know how to enjoy myself- that i always look for something to worry about. i think that someone passed that worry gene down to me so i blame them.

there is a history of alcoholism and violence in my family. i dont talk about it anymore with anyone. i used to let those feelings out more, but i dont have many close friends where i live now. sometimes those residual feelings bottleneck inside me and i do totally irrational things to make myself feel better- like lash out without thought to consequence.

today i can barely make it through work.
i want to bury my face in someones chest and cry for a couple hours.
i am totally tearing up at work. i am such a.. something.

suburbia is semi awesome

important things i did whilst in CT:

Bubblebath (with jets)
Taco Bell (in my car)
Drove
Pumpkin Pie, high
Humped my friends

http://flickr.com/photos/riodjomama/sets/72157603308556211/
http://web.mac.com/slidemx5/iWeb/Site/CT%20T-giving.html

Spanksgiving-- it's almost 4pm and my originality has been drained

a couple quick shots from a typical ro thanksgiving in the picturesque CT hills:












things that interest me on thanksgiving: playing with charlie.
things that disinterest me on thanksgiving: showers.
then i killed mom.
then charlie did something cute.

TYPICAL
More photos to come.

fun fun fun family dinner

shout out to the people standing directly behind me as a post:
joe
john
crystal
mary
liz
eric
james
rob
brigham
and the State on TV.

what up CT family. I love black cherry rum and diet cokes.
woooooooooooooooohooooooooooooooooooo!

----
but on the flip side, i miss new york and certain things therein.
:-x

everything is better in japan (thanks marc)

i am thankful for so many things today.
mainly this tho.

a friend wrote this--

Freedom


I had survived the bombing of London, and for some
unknown reason my father had decided to ship us to the
occupied Netherlands. Living in Holland at that time
in the war was oppressive and difficult, but somehow
we survived.

We eventually came to America, where we found
ourselves in a three family house in Hackensack, New
Jersey. Although times were tough, we loved each
other, and were free. I watched as everyone in my
family learned to speak English, and get jobs that
allowed them to save money for their futures. Soon my
baby brother was a grown young man, fixing
automobiles. He would go on to be a machine shop
manager, then own his own shop, and then a fleet of
shops over the tri-state area. My sister Marta was a
great beauty – when she'd reached that marriageable
age, many gentleman callers would vie for her
affections. She chose her husband wisely; a young,
strong man with sharp wits, from Italy. He was such a
sweet man. Within a few months, Marta and Paolo were
married. Soon Marta was carrying my young nephew,
David.

My parents had some difficulties with English, but
soon found good friends, and jobs to keep us happy in
our apartment. They eventually bought the three
family house and rented out the other apartments to
pay for some of the bills. Even though their
transition to the New Country was never easy, they
were so happy to be free of the tyrannies of their
former lives. They wanted all of us to prosper in the
world; to take the opportunities in front of us and
make the most of our lives.

You may wonder – what happened to me? Well, I've
never been one to gloat, or even make much of myself.
I was always the quiet one, deriving pleasure from the
great successes of those around me. I was a plain
girl, hard-working, with a freshly-scrubbed complexion
and no-nonsense hair. I got a job working at the
organ shop, on Maple Grove Avenue, near Town Hall. I
found the work interesting – dusting the keys of the
organs while the shop dealer, Mr. Sammis, would
practice, or give lessons to those who'd bought organs
from him. I liked the sound of their once gloomy,
then cheerful strains.

Mr. Sammis was handsome, friendly, and looking for a
wife. He and I got along very well, and it was quite
a surprise when he came into the store one day,
announcing that he had a surprise for me. I expected
to find a ring in a box, but instead, he introduced me
to his fiancée. She was beautiful, unlike me, who was
plain. He'd obviously chosen her because of her
beauty, instead of me, who would probably have made
him happier.

But we were free, and life stretched ahead of us like…
like a long, long road. We were happy.

While my brother and sister were prospering, I
continued to work at the organ shop, now run by Mr.
Sammis' wife, Trudy. She was oppressive and
overbearing, and reminded me each day that she was
pretty, and I was plain. She'd say, 'Anna, you'd make
a good, dependable wife for someone who has limited
ambitions.' and I would say, 'Thank you, Trudy.'

One day, I walked into the shop, and there on the
counter was a gun. I was frightened by it, and it
made me think of German soldiers on the streets of Den
Haag back in Holland. I picked up the gun, since I'd
never actually felt one before. It was heavy. I put
it back down, not thinking about anything in
particular. Mr. Sammis came in, grabbed the gun and
said 'My goodness, how careless I've become! Sorry if
that scared you, Anna. I'll put this safely away now,
so there's no danger.'

I worked at the organ shop until it closed down – no
business came to Maple Plain Avenue once the mall
opened up. Mr. Sammis had divorced Trudy and
remarried a few times. Just before the shop closed
down, he said, 'Anna – it's been many years, you and I
together running the shop. It gets me to thinking,
you know… that maybe I ought to leave the place to you
when I pass on.' I told Mr. Sammis that he was more
then generous. But what happened, eventually, is that
he passed away too quickly for him to change his will.
Instead the ex-wives fought over his limited
reserves, and I received nothing.

I found work over at the donut shop. It was hard,
tiring... I had to serve difficult people, always in a
rush. My wallet got stolen one night by that girl who
works the night shift, though she swore up and down
that she never touched my purse. Someone came in the
other day and asked me about my past days in Europe.
She asked me if I'd ever go back, and I said 'Why
would I do that?' I laughed. 'A bus to Atlantic City
would be better!'

My pay from the donut shop was enough to get by. Ma
and Pa had left the house to my brother, to raise his
big family, with Marta and her kids on the top floor.
There wasn't really any room for me, they said, and I
understood. As I said, there was enough to get by,
and that's all that really mattered.

As I stood outside the donut shop on a cigarette
break, I thought back over the years of struggle,
thinking to myself, 'Imagine where I'd be if we hadn't
left Europe and come to America… We're free!' and with
that I stamped out my cigarette and went back to the
counter. I sang a little song: 'My Country 'Tis of
Thee' and smelled the delicious vanilla scent of crème
filling. Today was my day to fill the crème donuts.
I always like this day, which is usually Tuesday.

-----

i miss writing.

when all expectations are met.

No Country for Old Men was astoundingly beautiful and full of blood.
Panoramic views of the desert and protagonists that don't win entwine to make my favorite movies on the planet. This was probably the best movie you are going to see this year, and certainly in the past ten years. It makes me happy to live in nyc that i am able to see things as soon as they are released.

Which reminds me, will i ever have the time again, to see a movie during an extended lunch break?
I hope so. I love getting disoriented coming out the theatre during the daytime. and the space-out that ensues.
Which reminds me of the time we took a field trip to see Romance and Cigarettes.
See it. see it. see it. see it.
It's weird watching Susan Sarandon and James Gandolfini break out into song at random times, but then also, so right.
Kate Winslet plays an amazing, evil slut.

And black is the new fuggedabowdit.

we are going to crush double the heads in our doubleheader this tuesday.

be effing scared dudes.

somersaults, hugs and kickball efficiency are coming.

sexual chocolate baby

i killed nevin.

in other news,

this is what a professional looks like.

gin in my bedroom.
some puff with the duff.
two vodka crans.
six beers.
and a shot of stoli with the duff to close my night.

then i took this adorable picture.
what.

honestly- where's the fun anymore if i never make an ass out of myself.
i feel like nevin was the same way- kind of a serious drunk- able to take the SATs while completely pissed.
but then i killed him.

Dimmer Switch

So this is the last photo I took before the Big Blackout of Fall 07.
(I'm glad it was with Tracy- i really love this girl)

Perhaps it was more like a Disco than a Black Out.
I can recall funky flashes of information beyond this point.

I am positive, however, that i was a troublemaker.
Right now my right pinky is jammed and I have half a voice.

Thursday we M.S.P.

Dominion

I could make a lot of excuses for not getting things started sooner, but fuck it.
time to get this show on the road!

Here is is where we lay other blogs to waste.
The mainstay will be the trade off of drunken photos between Nevin (of Richmond, VA fame) and myself (from the one true metropolis.)

the rest of it will be nonsense.
enjoy.