Wednesday, November 28, 2007

alcohol is a depressant

yeah.

i have a natural tendency to get very sad so i'm not sure why i encourage it with drinking. drinking is fun for the couple hours i am drunk and then afterward i am basically morose for a day and a half. i am also attention seeking, overly affectionate and terrified of commitment lately. i can't blame the booze for those. not entirely sure what's wrong with me. i should be happy. i want to be happy. but i am so paranoid after getting burned so many times in the past. someone i trust told me i dont know how to enjoy myself- that i always look for something to worry about. i think that someone passed that worry gene down to me so i blame them.

there is a history of alcoholism and violence in my family. i dont talk about it anymore with anyone. i used to let those feelings out more, but i dont have many close friends where i live now. sometimes those residual feelings bottleneck inside me and i do totally irrational things to make myself feel better- like lash out without thought to consequence.

today i can barely make it through work.
i want to bury my face in someones chest and cry for a couple hours.
i am totally tearing up at work. i am such a.. something.

3 comments:

Gary said...

Cyber hug.

Oakley said...

You're such a mortal. Misery and self doubt are staples of the human condition. Sadness beautiful in its own way. Our pain is our art. Happiness is not a life, it's just the frosting, a random point on the spectrum of our experience. Rage, shame, loneliness, regret, jealousy, I wouldn't trade these for all the soma in the world.

riodjomama said...

i like the gamut of emotions i experience. that's why i wont do anti-depressants because i never want to feel flat. i like the perspective. how could you know happiness without utter sadness? i just have trouble handling the intensity from time to time. it's alright though. i'll get it all out tonight.