it occurred to me today that the feelings i feel and the way that i behave is completely right to me. i cannot be afraid to be passionate, quiet, thoughtful and lonely most of the time. i cant not act out because of it.

my mother is a very wild woman who is tormented by her past. she thinks and says whatever she wants to and it always caused me some embarrassment growing up. She can be serious and frightening with her looks, opinions and words. She's struck me and yelled at me and I've been the passenger in the car as we drive down the wrong side of the road. I'm not afraid to be like her. I am proud of her. She has been beaten down by life, and continues to suffer. She is beautiful in her strength to live and in her love for me. She is only as selfish as we all are, in wanting a better life for herself, filled with love and purpose.

As i long for purpose i look at her in my mind and realize that chase for purpose can be unbearably painful when you think about it as much as two women such as us.

we are afflicted.