brain splatter

For the first 3 years of my life in NYC I had a fucking blast. Sure, it was hard being poor but I liked my sweet gig as an assistant, i liked walking around barefoot at work, i liked searching for new music all day long and making mix cds to play in the agency and I really liked my crazy ass boss. On top of all of that, I was still holding on to who I was before I moved to this fucking city- and who I was for the first 25 years of my life was a bitch. I was a sarcastic asshole who fucked with people at work and school and played jokes on everyone and rocked out in Boston and was a whole hell of a lot happier than I am now, while I try to grow up and make money and please everyone around me- except me. I also used to spend a lot of time exploring- alone- the city and my mind and my interests. I'm not going to say that I like being alone. I am a social creature who needs to retreat now and again for sanity- but There was a period of time when I moved here that I was utterly alone except for the brief interactions with my roommates and co-workers. It was a time when i really grew into myself. I wasn't happy, I wasn't always nice- but who says you should be.

i'm not trying to write an eloquent piece here. I am venting a concern about a serious break in character that seems to have cropped up in the past year since I got laid off. I'm not sure if it's something to do with it being a very dramatic life change- one minute your day is full and your mission is somewhat clear and the next- nothing.
yes. it probably has to do with that.

What happened to me, psychologically as a result of the economy is fucking weird. I dislike it, I dislike being a pussy and being so sensitive all the time. I think the tremendous amount of security and independence I built up over the years was truly shattered once everything came to a screetching halt.

I'm really unsatisfied with how discontent I've been feeling lately and I need to start sticking up for myself again, talking back, voicing my opinion and having fun again.

I got way to introverted during my time in the unemployment hovel.
It's disgusting.