weekend update email to VJ and Donna

i got tan this weekend.
V- i'm sorry to hear about the snow. that might have enraged me.
I missed Kav a lot this weekend. I don't know why. I always remember the good stuff, I guess. Am feeling lonely as well.

have second interview tomorrow for PR manager for this company-
www.jackmorton.com

meeting with the head of marketing tomorrow AM and just sent over some writing samples. I have to say, the one thing that my current job gave me was ample time to craft and write some really good articles that i'm proud of. When I read them, they restore my confidence that I can take on this new job.

I haven't been feeling very confident lately. as much as i try to keep my chin up, I'm just sad again. I fell off the wagon and drank a lot this weekend and feel pretty down. I think there really must be a correlation between the drinking and my brain chemicals.

I also am just craving, needing a big life change because I'm starting to feel really despondent about everything. and that's no fun.

sorry for the life affirming email guys. heh.
I did have a nice weekend- I spent a whole day tanning in the park and I played went running, did yoga and played kickball yesterday which is all a part of my plan to get in shape fast. That Always makes me feel good about myself. And that's something I Can control.

I think I'm just confused about what my next steps should be- because this job seems to be coming to an end, My lease is about to end and I have to figure out where to move, and my relationship just came to an end and that made me really sad, despite how strong I've been about it. Add that to my part-time worries about my mom and our finances. It's all a lot to think about.

sorry for all the wind!
love you both
Ro

i think

i overreacted. it still felt good to get that emotional garbage out of me and into space. and it's still really good that my relationship ended because it was just sucking too much anyways. we both knew it. i dont know why i freak out so much whenever big things conclude. i want to try to temper that more in the future. i think it'd be better for me.

try try again.

i finally grew tired of worrying about things..

and finally am beginning to feel free.
sometimes it's alright to get sleepy. take a rest.

it's about control. and about relinquishing control.
it's about passing the ball along so everyone gets a hold.
with nothing to hold onto so tight, i get to float a bit. i needed that.
i'll figure it all out tomorrow.

The bike path less traveled

somerville, MA

Total Eclipse of a Full Moon

This New Years Eve there will be a Total Eclipse of a Full Moon. I was raised on astrology so this is important- to me.

"There will be always be finality to a lunar eclipse, so it's a bit like walking over a bridge to a new land, but after you get to the other side, as you turn to look back, you see the bridge collapse. There's no way back, and if you think about it, you will admit you wouldn't want to go back. "

I'm ready for this.

yesterday is such a pretty word.

yesterday, in the midst of a very happy and serene moment, after waking up from a 20 minute nap and feeling the warmth beside my body and the squeeze of my hand, i rolled over and began to cry. the tears streamed down noiselessly and i starred at the white wall and debated saying something. what i wanted to say was horrible and easily interpreted in too many ways that werent right. but i said it aloud anyways. i let a fat tear roll down my cheek into the corner of my mouth and said, into the wall, "i really don't want to live anymore. i really find it purposeless."

i had no reasoning to explain why the thought had come to me at that moment. i was warm in bed, enveloped in the arms of kindness and yet, I still felt and still feel very angry at life.

i went on to say "all i see is pain and everyone seems so unhappy. i think it's just awful."

fifteen years after my whiney adolescent phase and i still feel the same way just below my superficial gaiety. i dont really know what to do beyond being honest about it.

someday johnny will be very famous..

and take care of us all.

from the horses mouth:

"Hey all!

The pre-release press blitz for the new Apse album (har har har) continues, as we're featured on this week's All Songs Considered on NPR!!!

Go here - you can download the podcast, too.
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=113272970

Apse is featured at the end, so you'll have to wait for the whole thing to load. They play an entire song at the end... and odd choice, i think, since it's definitely a later album track, not a potential single or anything... but oh well. Apparently Bob Boilen really likes the album, so that's awesome."