basically, the roles have reversed in my relationship once I eventually gave in and began to trust my mate. It takes me an incredibly long time to trust people since I was a kid and we toughed through my aloofness only for me to end up getting crapped on. Positive reinforcement would have been key at this juncture.
back to square one. I don't really think I can put my heart in anyone's hands again. they always squeeze too tight or let it slip away.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Thursday, January 6, 2011
9 months doesn't make much difference..
Aside from the fact that I've grown to become a confident and much more adult person (for me - i'm an aries and will always be on the immature side)-- this year never really righted itself in my favor. Now I have to hope that 2011 brings closure to a few things and more joy. Here's where I'm at...
--
Basically my dad's about to pass away. Keeps going in and out of the hospital and it's brought up a lot of issues for me that I didn't even know were still in me.
He was pretty abusive when I was younger, and although, yes, i've worked through it and we've made 'some' amends, mostly I just let everything go because he's been sick for the past decade and I figure that he's getting what he deserved for the pain he's caused. Mainly I just shut everything out because it was easier. I moved away from CT and just put it out of my mind and it worked out alright. I would pop in and visit once in a blue moon and it was just understood that that was how it was going to be. lately though, as he's taken a turn for the worse, there's been a lot more phone calls, he's wanted to see me, etc. I understand all this but it's taken it's toll. Seeing him more often has brought back a lot of my feelings of resentment, which also spur some negative feelings I have toward men as a result. It's complicated, deep-seated psychological stuff.
On the other hand, I started dated someone I thought was terrific this summer. Kind of an oddball but in a good way, cute, supportive and very loving. But, come the Fall, he started devolving into an insecure person I just didnt recognize. Became very needy to the point where we actually broke up in December (well I broke up with him) because I couldnt handle the pressure of both things happening at once. We got back together, but it's just not working, so now I tried to ask for some space to clear my head, plus I'm really not that clingy of a girl and like my space in general. The boy is not having it. Basically he's an extremist and wants all or nothing. I also feel he hasn't been empathetic enough about my family issues.
So after voicing my needs to him he basically flipped out and said he still wanted more of me and I said no. we were at a standstill and I tried to smooth things over and see if we could continue with compromise, but he just stopped speaking to me.
There's more to it of course. My trying to please him for so long has obviously given him the impression that I believed in his method towards a relationship. So I shouldn't have done that. Should have been myself from the beginning. But that is my lesson. Also, from his end, he became way too demanding of my time and attention- I feel.
I'm just emotionally exhausted now. And despite how much I care for him, I kind of wish he Would just stay away for a while and find out who he is on his own. It's been pretty awful.
So that's me. It may not sound huge, but I also don't want to get into the million details that when, compounded, have made it basically unbearable for me. And now I'm hurting because I've lost my love and am about to lose my dad and am not sure how to feel about it at all.
I'm taking as much solace I can in my friends for now. Just talking it out. Making sure I'm not crazy in my decision to stick up for my needs, and trying to take my mind off of things. Been working well so far. But I feel there is more bad to come. I really hope not tho.
--
Basically my dad's about to pass away. Keeps going in and out of the hospital and it's brought up a lot of issues for me that I didn't even know were still in me.
He was pretty abusive when I was younger, and although, yes, i've worked through it and we've made 'some' amends, mostly I just let everything go because he's been sick for the past decade and I figure that he's getting what he deserved for the pain he's caused. Mainly I just shut everything out because it was easier. I moved away from CT and just put it out of my mind and it worked out alright. I would pop in and visit once in a blue moon and it was just understood that that was how it was going to be. lately though, as he's taken a turn for the worse, there's been a lot more phone calls, he's wanted to see me, etc. I understand all this but it's taken it's toll. Seeing him more often has brought back a lot of my feelings of resentment, which also spur some negative feelings I have toward men as a result. It's complicated, deep-seated psychological stuff.
On the other hand, I started dated someone I thought was terrific this summer. Kind of an oddball but in a good way, cute, supportive and very loving. But, come the Fall, he started devolving into an insecure person I just didnt recognize. Became very needy to the point where we actually broke up in December (well I broke up with him) because I couldnt handle the pressure of both things happening at once. We got back together, but it's just not working, so now I tried to ask for some space to clear my head, plus I'm really not that clingy of a girl and like my space in general. The boy is not having it. Basically he's an extremist and wants all or nothing. I also feel he hasn't been empathetic enough about my family issues.
So after voicing my needs to him he basically flipped out and said he still wanted more of me and I said no. we were at a standstill and I tried to smooth things over and see if we could continue with compromise, but he just stopped speaking to me.
There's more to it of course. My trying to please him for so long has obviously given him the impression that I believed in his method towards a relationship. So I shouldn't have done that. Should have been myself from the beginning. But that is my lesson. Also, from his end, he became way too demanding of my time and attention- I feel.
I'm just emotionally exhausted now. And despite how much I care for him, I kind of wish he Would just stay away for a while and find out who he is on his own. It's been pretty awful.
So that's me. It may not sound huge, but I also don't want to get into the million details that when, compounded, have made it basically unbearable for me. And now I'm hurting because I've lost my love and am about to lose my dad and am not sure how to feel about it at all.
I'm taking as much solace I can in my friends for now. Just talking it out. Making sure I'm not crazy in my decision to stick up for my needs, and trying to take my mind off of things. Been working well so far. But I feel there is more bad to come. I really hope not tho.
Monday, March 22, 2010
weekend update email to VJ and Donna
i got tan this weekend.
V- i'm sorry to hear about the snow. that might have enraged me.
I missed Kav a lot this weekend. I don't know why. I always remember the good stuff, I guess. Am feeling lonely as well.
have second interview tomorrow for PR manager for this company-
www.jackmorton.com
meeting with the head of marketing tomorrow AM and just sent over some writing samples. I have to say, the one thing that my current job gave me was ample time to craft and write some really good articles that i'm proud of. When I read them, they restore my confidence that I can take on this new job.
I haven't been feeling very confident lately. as much as i try to keep my chin up, I'm just sad again. I fell off the wagon and drank a lot this weekend and feel pretty down. I think there really must be a correlation between the drinking and my brain chemicals.
I also am just craving, needing a big life change because I'm starting to feel really despondent about everything. and that's no fun.
sorry for the life affirming email guys. heh.
I did have a nice weekend- I spent a whole day tanning in the park and I played went running, did yoga and played kickball yesterday which is all a part of my plan to get in shape fast. That Always makes me feel good about myself. And that's something I Can control.
I think I'm just confused about what my next steps should be- because this job seems to be coming to an end, My lease is about to end and I have to figure out where to move, and my relationship just came to an end and that made me really sad, despite how strong I've been about it. Add that to my part-time worries about my mom and our finances. It's all a lot to think about.
sorry for all the wind!
love you both
Ro
V- i'm sorry to hear about the snow. that might have enraged me.
I missed Kav a lot this weekend. I don't know why. I always remember the good stuff, I guess. Am feeling lonely as well.
have second interview tomorrow for PR manager for this company-
www.jackmorton.com
meeting with the head of marketing tomorrow AM and just sent over some writing samples. I have to say, the one thing that my current job gave me was ample time to craft and write some really good articles that i'm proud of. When I read them, they restore my confidence that I can take on this new job.
I haven't been feeling very confident lately. as much as i try to keep my chin up, I'm just sad again. I fell off the wagon and drank a lot this weekend and feel pretty down. I think there really must be a correlation between the drinking and my brain chemicals.
I also am just craving, needing a big life change because I'm starting to feel really despondent about everything. and that's no fun.
sorry for the life affirming email guys. heh.
I did have a nice weekend- I spent a whole day tanning in the park and I played went running, did yoga and played kickball yesterday which is all a part of my plan to get in shape fast. That Always makes me feel good about myself. And that's something I Can control.
I think I'm just confused about what my next steps should be- because this job seems to be coming to an end, My lease is about to end and I have to figure out where to move, and my relationship just came to an end and that made me really sad, despite how strong I've been about it. Add that to my part-time worries about my mom and our finances. It's all a lot to think about.
sorry for all the wind!
love you both
Ro
Sunday, March 7, 2010
i think
i overreacted. it still felt good to get that emotional garbage out of me and into space. and it's still really good that my relationship ended because it was just sucking too much anyways. we both knew it. i dont know why i freak out so much whenever big things conclude. i want to try to temper that more in the future. i think it'd be better for me.
try try again.
try try again.
Monday, December 7, 2009
i finally grew tired of worrying about things..
and finally am beginning to feel free.
sometimes it's alright to get sleepy. take a rest.
it's about control. and about relinquishing control.
it's about passing the ball along so everyone gets a hold.
with nothing to hold onto so tight, i get to float a bit. i needed that.
i'll figure it all out tomorrow.
sometimes it's alright to get sleepy. take a rest.
it's about control. and about relinquishing control.
it's about passing the ball along so everyone gets a hold.
with nothing to hold onto so tight, i get to float a bit. i needed that.
i'll figure it all out tomorrow.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Total Eclipse of a Full Moon
This New Years Eve there will be a Total Eclipse of a Full Moon. I was raised on astrology so this is important- to me.
"There will be always be finality to a lunar eclipse, so it's a bit like walking over a bridge to a new land, but after you get to the other side, as you turn to look back, you see the bridge collapse. There's no way back, and if you think about it, you will admit you wouldn't want to go back. "
I'm ready for this.
"There will be always be finality to a lunar eclipse, so it's a bit like walking over a bridge to a new land, but after you get to the other side, as you turn to look back, you see the bridge collapse. There's no way back, and if you think about it, you will admit you wouldn't want to go back. "
I'm ready for this.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
yesterday is such a pretty word.
yesterday, in the midst of a very happy and serene moment, after waking up from a 20 minute nap and feeling the warmth beside my body and the squeeze of my hand, i rolled over and began to cry. the tears streamed down noiselessly and i starred at the white wall and debated saying something. what i wanted to say was horrible and easily interpreted in too many ways that werent right. but i said it aloud anyways. i let a fat tear roll down my cheek into the corner of my mouth and said, into the wall, "i really don't want to live anymore. i really find it purposeless."
i had no reasoning to explain why the thought had come to me at that moment. i was warm in bed, enveloped in the arms of kindness and yet, I still felt and still feel very angry at life.
i went on to say "all i see is pain and everyone seems so unhappy. i think it's just awful."
fifteen years after my whiney adolescent phase and i still feel the same way just below my superficial gaiety. i dont really know what to do beyond being honest about it.
i had no reasoning to explain why the thought had come to me at that moment. i was warm in bed, enveloped in the arms of kindness and yet, I still felt and still feel very angry at life.
i went on to say "all i see is pain and everyone seems so unhappy. i think it's just awful."
fifteen years after my whiney adolescent phase and i still feel the same way just below my superficial gaiety. i dont really know what to do beyond being honest about it.
Monday, September 28, 2009
someday johnny will be very famous..
and take care of us all.
from the horses mouth:
"Hey all!
The pre-release press blitz for the new Apse album (har har har) continues, as we're featured on this week's All Songs Considered on NPR!!!
Go here - you can download the podcast, too.
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=113272970
Apse is featured at the end, so you'll have to wait for the whole thing to load. They play an entire song at the end... and odd choice, i think, since it's definitely a later album track, not a potential single or anything... but oh well. Apparently Bob Boilen really likes the album, so that's awesome."
from the horses mouth:
"Hey all!
The pre-release press blitz for the new Apse album (har har har) continues, as we're featured on this week's All Songs Considered on NPR!!!
Go here - you can download the podcast, too.
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=113272970
Apse is featured at the end, so you'll have to wait for the whole thing to load. They play an entire song at the end... and odd choice, i think, since it's definitely a later album track, not a potential single or anything... but oh well. Apparently Bob Boilen really likes the album, so that's awesome."
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
in-sanity
i just want to write. but i need an editor to approve my articles. right now i dont really have one. blah.
aside from that, here's how things are looking for the next 6 days:
today- work work work, manage pre-season kickball party, see friend's band play.
tomorrow- morning meeting with lead strategists, catch a train to CT, see loved ones and eat new haven style pizza.
thursday- take off at 10am to drive to canadian's wedding at Niagara Falls- pit stop in Syracuse to visit lifelong friend and his new asian bride.
friday- rehearsal, dinner, partay.
saturday- wedding, partay.
sunday- drive back to CT and have dinner with moms hopefully (before she disowns me for never hanging out)
monday- back to NY.
i am so pumped and so overwhelmed.
not to mention Advertising Week starts next week and i'm trying to beg for funds to go to some of the seminars. i could give two craps about the cocktail parties.
scatterbrained post over.
:P
aside from that, here's how things are looking for the next 6 days:
today- work work work, manage pre-season kickball party, see friend's band play.
tomorrow- morning meeting with lead strategists, catch a train to CT, see loved ones and eat new haven style pizza.
thursday- take off at 10am to drive to canadian's wedding at Niagara Falls- pit stop in Syracuse to visit lifelong friend and his new asian bride.
friday- rehearsal, dinner, partay.
saturday- wedding, partay.
sunday- drive back to CT and have dinner with moms hopefully (before she disowns me for never hanging out)
monday- back to NY.
i am so pumped and so overwhelmed.
not to mention Advertising Week starts next week and i'm trying to beg for funds to go to some of the seminars. i could give two craps about the cocktail parties.
scatterbrained post over.
:P
Monday, August 31, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
help me decide!
i really want these boots:
http://www.thefryecompany.com/Product-Women-Boots-Tall%20Shaft-77800BLK.aspx
next paycheck i'm going to get them.
but i cant decide- Black? or Grey?
I like both equally much.
I feel like I'll get more wear out of the black since I wear so much black.. but i dont KNOW!!!!! this is driving me nuts.
feedback. please.
http://www.thefryecompany.com/Product-Women-Boots-Tall%20Shaft-77800BLK.aspx
next paycheck i'm going to get them.
but i cant decide- Black? or Grey?
I like both equally much.
I feel like I'll get more wear out of the black since I wear so much black.. but i dont KNOW!!!!! this is driving me nuts.
feedback. please.
Friday, August 14, 2009
i want so badly to be away for a while- on a wood deck- get a splinter- trees and breese and some water nearby. beers and charcoal and someone brought their dog. someone definitely brought their guitar. hot sun all day and cool enough for blankets at night and lots, tons of stars and quiet sounds. surrounded.
HACK
i simply cannot live without this blog.
it's a world i don't know, it takes me completely out of mine.
the writing is fantastic. the artwork is.. too.
http://samarov.blogspot.com/
it's a world i don't know, it takes me completely out of mine.
the writing is fantastic. the artwork is.. too.
http://samarov.blogspot.com/
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
I was discussing with Kav how much we used to love Stabbing Westward but how we realized upon more adult reflection how fucking trite their lyrics are... i figured I'd post this beaut of an example:
"You are all I am
you are all I ever want to be
I think of you
A solitary cry
echoes through my throat and through my mind
I think of you
I think I woke up screaming
I had a dream that you still loved me
I think I woke up screaming
I think I woke up screaming again
For hours I'll just stare
at my ceiling at nothing at all
and think of you
candlelight through bells
make shadows just like roses in my mind
and I think of you
I think I woke up screaming
I had a dream that you still loved me
I think I woke up screaming
I think I woke up screaming again
Could this last forever?
Or will I die?
Could this last forever?
Or will I die?
Just can I die?
Maybe I could try
to take a bath and drink a little wine
and think of you
But probably I'll lie
naked on the floor by candlelight
and I'll think of you
I think I woke up screaming
I had a dream that you still loved me
I think I woke up screaming
I think I woke up screaming again
I think I woke up screaming
I had a dream that you still loved me
I think I woke up screaming
I think I woke up screaming again
I think I woke up
I think I woke up
I think I woke up
I think I woke up
I think I woke up
I think I woke up
I think I woke up
screaming again"
Conversely, last night I had a dream that I was hanging out with my ex. I woke up abruptly from that dream to find a huge mosquito sucking at my inner elbow.
This morning I duct-taped my air conditioner.
"You are all I am
you are all I ever want to be
I think of you
A solitary cry
echoes through my throat and through my mind
I think of you
I think I woke up screaming
I had a dream that you still loved me
I think I woke up screaming
I think I woke up screaming again
For hours I'll just stare
at my ceiling at nothing at all
and think of you
candlelight through bells
make shadows just like roses in my mind
and I think of you
I think I woke up screaming
I had a dream that you still loved me
I think I woke up screaming
I think I woke up screaming again
Could this last forever?
Or will I die?
Could this last forever?
Or will I die?
Just can I die?
Maybe I could try
to take a bath and drink a little wine
and think of you
But probably I'll lie
naked on the floor by candlelight
and I'll think of you
I think I woke up screaming
I had a dream that you still loved me
I think I woke up screaming
I think I woke up screaming again
I think I woke up screaming
I had a dream that you still loved me
I think I woke up screaming
I think I woke up screaming again
I think I woke up
I think I woke up
I think I woke up
I think I woke up
I think I woke up
I think I woke up
I think I woke up
screaming again"
Conversely, last night I had a dream that I was hanging out with my ex. I woke up abruptly from that dream to find a huge mosquito sucking at my inner elbow.
This morning I duct-taped my air conditioner.
Friday, August 7, 2009
busy bee.
hi how are you?
tonight is an exciting night. i'm being taken to brighton beach to go to a restaurant called Tatiana's that is notoriously rife with russian mafia. My mother even phoned me after some thought and said she wanted me to be extremely careful. now i'm excited And scared. but we will be there early and supposedly there's fireworks!! (altho i'm not supposed to know this ahead of time - it is impossible to surprise me i guess :)
so i think this will be a good, adventurous day.
we've also got a full squad ready to tear it up for kickball and everyone seems excited and motivated- if we could only stave off the rain.
top this off with out-of-town guests and i'm not sure i'll get the rest I sorely need after this crazy work week- new website launch is just over the horizon (say mid august)
;) leaving early for a nap today.
i haven't written words in this blog for sometime, so there you go.
all caught up.
tonight is an exciting night. i'm being taken to brighton beach to go to a restaurant called Tatiana's that is notoriously rife with russian mafia. My mother even phoned me after some thought and said she wanted me to be extremely careful. now i'm excited And scared. but we will be there early and supposedly there's fireworks!! (altho i'm not supposed to know this ahead of time - it is impossible to surprise me i guess :)
so i think this will be a good, adventurous day.
we've also got a full squad ready to tear it up for kickball and everyone seems excited and motivated- if we could only stave off the rain.
top this off with out-of-town guests and i'm not sure i'll get the rest I sorely need after this crazy work week- new website launch is just over the horizon (say mid august)
;) leaving early for a nap today.
i haven't written words in this blog for sometime, so there you go.
all caught up.
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