what it was

there's a long goodbye. and it happens everyday.
when some passerby invites your eye to come her way
even as she smiles a quick hello you let her go you let the moment fly
too late you turn your head...

tonight i had this dream that i was driving a bus full of the sweetest special needs kids and we were driving down a beautiful road with high cliffs to either side when suddenly the cliffs fell apart and water came rushing in and flooded the road and filled the bus almost completely, leaving only a few inches for the kids to breathe. i had to somehow navigate the bus through the water and crash landed into the side of a hospital where everyone was safe. but i stumbled away devastated that i had let it all happen.

i should have felt good that i saved the kids right?
i can't sleep.

the city

sometimes the buildings and humidity around here..

have me feeling i'm in miami.


but it's definitely not miami. and i'm glad for that. whew, imagination.

aw i want this..

as soon as i'm outta debt (next year maybe :)

To Wish Impossible Things: When Reality Becomes Real

Jen is a really smart girl.

To Wish Impossible Things: When Reality Becomes Real

it occurred to me today that the feelings i feel and the way that i behave is completely right to me. i cannot be afraid to be passionate, quiet, thoughtful and lonely most of the time. i cant not act out because of it.

my mother is a very wild woman who is tormented by her past. she thinks and says whatever she wants to and it always caused me some embarrassment growing up. She can be serious and frightening with her looks, opinions and words. She's struck me and yelled at me and I've been the passenger in the car as we drive down the wrong side of the road. I'm not afraid to be like her. I am proud of her. She has been beaten down by life, and continues to suffer. She is beautiful in her strength to live and in her love for me. She is only as selfish as we all are, in wanting a better life for herself, filled with love and purpose.

As i long for purpose i look at her in my mind and realize that chase for purpose can be unbearably painful when you think about it as much as two women such as us.

we are afflicted.

If you hadn't already heard about united..

United Guitar Debacle <---clickme

Same old lessons. Be proactive not reactive. Address a problem as soon as you know it's a problem.

plus the video is great.

love this

http://colormekatie.blogspot.com/
optimism is something i put away on the highest shelf sometime last year, which is stupid because i'm short!

wow

this stuff is SUPERcool:
http://dustbowl.wordpress.com/

things i would not want to live without

everything bagels toasted with cream cheese
soup
physical therapists
my eyes
dogs
hammocks
pillows and blankets
books on tape and npr
poetry
really good hair stylists
the people on the CT email chain
the girls on the weekend update emails
my brooklyn kickball crew
my psychotic family
80+degree weather
short summer dresses
mussels in garlic pepper cream sauce
coca cola in a can with a straw
pink and red toenail polish
shrimp
pulled pork sandwiches
red bell peppers
hot sauce
grass and the smell of grass
fireflies
thunder
really good coffee
homemade tacos
movies and couches
hope
adventure

whaddya think VJ?
I seriously seriously do not give a fuck anymore about requests for long hair. It doesnt suit me. I don't like it. This is my favoritest hair cut. this is me.

relearning what it's like to be on my own again.
getting kinda irritable when people around me ask me for stuff.
feeling a little selfish right now.

phases.

letter to Mary, et al.

my new address is 488 graham ave., 3rd floor, brooklyn, ny 11222. you should write me a letter! i really really love regular mail.
i'm tired of the interweb.

i'm going through a lot of changes- a Lot of growing pains- and I'm just trying to cling to my sanity. Everytime i move upwards into adulthood i feel it emotionally and in my body. I dont like giving up my kiddish ways. I try not to altogether. but my job is forcing me to be quite a bit more serious - i can't lose it right now- but my heart wants me to fly away to a new state. I've never stayed in one place for this long since i was 18 and i'm not fond of it- i get restless. but i have to do what's good for my work experience and do right by my familiy who've been bailing me out for years.

see. that sounds so responsible. blech.
today i'm going to the Glamour Garage, which is run by majorly beautiful rockabilly bettys and getting a more punkish yet somehow professional (?) haircut. we'll see how that goes :)

xo

does anyone else behave/think drastically differently in the nighttime from the daytime? i feel so much more lucid and stream of conscious at night. all the barriers come down and words- good or bad- flow from me and away. and when, in the morning, i look at what i've written in the sky, it's wind-blown and hard to distinguish my thinking's drift.

I've always felt that the night is magic.

"For me this book is like the letter you write to someone that you regret sending seconds after it falls into the post box because it is so honest and revealing that you are mortified by the thought of having it read. Even though you meant every word of it, sometimes you can mean it too much."
-HR

sisters.. doin it for..?

I know all these women around me- the ones that I talk to the most and see most often- that seem to have the same issue as of late and I'm wondering Why it's such a trend. I even heard it on the train the other day, word for word- (i wrote it down) haha.

"He loves being with me, he said so. He said especially when times are good. It's like a vacation for him. But he won't give me the two days a week I need to feel like we're really together. Plus weekends. He sees me when He's got time and it's really really great. But when there's a problem, or I need him, he's not there. I guess we're in a working phase. We're working it out."

Seriously? It only caught my attention because I was having this same conversation in my head til recently. I hear the same thing from my gals at kickball and from my gals across country. Every girl clamoring for a guy who's emotionally available- like all the time.

I thought about this and called my mother.
She said, word for word (i wrote it down- might even tattoo it):
"Men are not like women. They don't care about emotions. They care about pussy. Remember this. Be smart and just keep away from assholes. Have fun."

Take from that what you want.

you are a coward.

this is what i'm not doing when i'm home alone:

sigh.

you would think that as a latch-key kid, as someone who spent the entire time from when she was 7 until 18 home alone, or in a room, alone, that i wouldn't be afraid to be home alone.






but seriously, it's true.

i see things that you would like, in streets, in windows, inside, and know that I no longer have the privilege of giving them to you.

"If i keep writing
Traveling all over
Pushing myself until I squeeze the truth
From out of my pores
She will find me
It's worth it"

-HR